Posted by Suzi Fox on December 6, 2011 - 10:23am
The holidays are upon us when hot toddies in the office lead to tangos across the board room floor and taffy is exchanged amongst the loving families who live next door. Brisk weather causes lovers to snuggle tight and harmonies melt cares away in the darkest night.
Now if that doesn't describe your annual holiday experience maybe this does: Tension, Triggers and Train wrecks. Let's face it, holiday time can be a serious season of relational tension and emotional outbursts that set people off into fits of rage, depression and lonliness. It's your train wreck, call it what you like.
With so many people feeling strapped financially, the tension created in this arena alone can be overwhelming. There's expectations from the in-laws and the outlaws, there are events you feel pressured into attending and fun things you just can't afford to do. Triggers on the other hand make you want to spend money on therapy if nothing else!
I know of this beautiful forty-year-old woman who is a high-powered attorney in Los Angeles. She absolutely dreads going home for the holidays because of what happens to her there. She turns from being this happy, intelligent thriving individual into a depressed twelve-year-old little girl who just doesn't quite meet up to anyone else's standards. Her family knows all the right buttons to push and wastes no time doing so. The season that is supposed to bring families closer together instead provides her extreme anxiety with partly cloudy flashbacks and a ninety-percent chance of frustration. How is it this successful woman is soaking her pillow at night with years of tears each holiday season? Emotional triggers don't lay low because it's inconvenient for them to erupt. They make their appearance un-announced and un-apologetically, often at the most un-desireable times.
So what is an emotional trigger anyhow? What does it look like and how do I know if I just experienced this with my co-worker, relative or friend? A trigger occurs when someone says or does something that strikes a nerve and causes an avalanche of emotion to over take you. These emotions can include anger, fear, vulnerability and betrayal. Individuals may feel these things based upon a look, expression or sentence that triggers a flood of emotions they are completely unprepared to handle. Often times the individual will feel threatened and unsafe. They may also perceive that you are wielding power over them and may start acting negatively toward you in an effort to stop themselves from drowning in an ocean of anxiety. Their self confidence is surely diminished and striking out at another can become their default mode. They may feel like they just don't measure up to others' expectations or even their own. Thoughts of being unappreciated, unimportant, devalued, disrespected, powerless, rejected, unloved and unloveable not only surface but take over their thought life. And as if that's not damaging enough, these emotions lead to shame and the intense desire to disengage and run away from the situation or person who is perceived to be causing their pain.
The physical sensations may include upset stomach, head ache, tension in the back and neck, clenched fists, grinding teeth, and feeling feverish. They may display an inability to look at the person talking to them and appear to want nothing to do with this person. This can be especially difficult when the perceived perpatrator of their pain is the very person who is trying to help them.
When someone is overcome by all of this it very well can take place in just a matter of seconds.
And you as their friend, lover or partner may have no idea all of this is taking place inside of them. They may believe there is nothing that can soothe them or validate them as a person. They lose all self-confidence and strength, left to feel abandoned. Sometimes these tormenting waves of inadequacy convince them that there is no way to come up for air. They become desperate. It's as if their soul has been hi-jacked to hell and they are watching it take place without the power to stop it.
A friend once shared a dream she had that seems to fit well here. She dreamed that a train had gotten hi-jacked and the hi-jacker was visible to her in the dream. She was in the front car of a different train screaming that someone needed to stop the hi-jacker. She was yelling desperately "Someone needs to help those people! Some one needs to help them!" Then she heard a deep large voice behind her saying "We Are". The voice came from the conductor of the train she was on. This conductor then proceeded to use the train she was on to crash head on into the hi-jacked train in order to stop it! This girl was the only one in the first car of the train with the engineer and felt like there was no care or concern for her well being. "He didn't warn me or attempt to protect me from harm" she cried. In essence he used her to derail the hi-jacker. Even as she lay in the wreckage reeling from the shock and pain of it all, the one person she loved and wanted to rescue her was nowhere to be seen, yet some unknown man scooped her up in his arms to pull her to safety. After telling me the dream, she commented that she was not sure she even wanted to be rescued.
Death can seem like a pretty good option when there's so much pain. Unfortunately people who experience triggers will at some poimt also witness the train wreck. When their life has fallen into patterns of vulnerability as the dream suggested with the hi-jacking, it's easy for them to start
projecting their future to be destined to be filled with these painful experiences.
If you are the one witnessing a friend or family member going through this torment and you wish to instill hope and help there are steps you can take to help them before they start shutting down to isolate. The triggers they have succumbed to may have been established decades ago and often times they don't even know what sets them off! In the midst of their agony, the best gifts you can give them this season and all year long is listed in three words: Love, Listen and Let.
Unconditional love is probably the most powerful force on earth. When they know they can trust you with their deepest darkest thoughts you will be able to access their heart to help. If they are being assured by you that you won't expose them or take advantage of their weaknesses you have the ability to walk them through anything. To love them without judgement is critical.
Listen to their fears. Don't try to explain to them how illogical their concerns are. Don't try to fix them just let them talk with being interrupted. So often when we are in a conversation we are not really listening, but we are formulating our response while the other person is sharing from their heart and we don't really hear what they are saying. Listening with full attention communicates love to them and confirms how important they are to you.
Let them release the tension with their tears. Believe in them and communicate frequently that you love them no matter what. Tell them how you see them rather than reinforce the dismal view they may have of themselves. Allow them to be vulnerable without feeling ashamed or humiliated. Encourage them. Appreciate them for who they are, flaws included. Don't try to change them or rearrange them, chances are they have been trying to do that to themselves for years. Expressing to them your unconditional love and listening will not only allow them to see light at the end of the tunnel, but will help them crawl out of the wreckage.
Suzi Fox is a percussionist and vocalist with The Bruce Sanborn Band, a freelance writer and the Founder & Developer of Artist From The Attic.org; an organization that offers a venue for musicians, writers, actors, artists and others to post their work for FREE for the world to see!
Now if that doesn't describe your annual holiday experience maybe this does: Tension, Triggers and Train wrecks. Let's face it, holiday time can be a serious season of relational tension and emotional outbursts that set people off into fits of rage, depression and lonliness. It's your train wreck, call it what you like.
With so many people feeling strapped financially, the tension created in this arena alone can be overwhelming. There's expectations from the in-laws and the outlaws, there are events you feel pressured into attending and fun things you just can't afford to do. Triggers on the other hand make you want to spend money on therapy if nothing else!
I know of this beautiful forty-year-old woman who is a high-powered attorney in Los Angeles. She absolutely dreads going home for the holidays because of what happens to her there. She turns from being this happy, intelligent thriving individual into a depressed twelve-year-old little girl who just doesn't quite meet up to anyone else's standards. Her family knows all the right buttons to push and wastes no time doing so. The season that is supposed to bring families closer together instead provides her extreme anxiety with partly cloudy flashbacks and a ninety-percent chance of frustration. How is it this successful woman is soaking her pillow at night with years of tears each holiday season? Emotional triggers don't lay low because it's inconvenient for them to erupt. They make their appearance un-announced and un-apologetically, often at the most un-desireable times.
So what is an emotional trigger anyhow? What does it look like and how do I know if I just experienced this with my co-worker, relative or friend? A trigger occurs when someone says or does something that strikes a nerve and causes an avalanche of emotion to over take you. These emotions can include anger, fear, vulnerability and betrayal. Individuals may feel these things based upon a look, expression or sentence that triggers a flood of emotions they are completely unprepared to handle. Often times the individual will feel threatened and unsafe. They may also perceive that you are wielding power over them and may start acting negatively toward you in an effort to stop themselves from drowning in an ocean of anxiety. Their self confidence is surely diminished and striking out at another can become their default mode. They may feel like they just don't measure up to others' expectations or even their own. Thoughts of being unappreciated, unimportant, devalued, disrespected, powerless, rejected, unloved and unloveable not only surface but take over their thought life. And as if that's not damaging enough, these emotions lead to shame and the intense desire to disengage and run away from the situation or person who is perceived to be causing their pain.
The physical sensations may include upset stomach, head ache, tension in the back and neck, clenched fists, grinding teeth, and feeling feverish. They may display an inability to look at the person talking to them and appear to want nothing to do with this person. This can be especially difficult when the perceived perpatrator of their pain is the very person who is trying to help them.
When someone is overcome by all of this it very well can take place in just a matter of seconds.
And you as their friend, lover or partner may have no idea all of this is taking place inside of them. They may believe there is nothing that can soothe them or validate them as a person. They lose all self-confidence and strength, left to feel abandoned. Sometimes these tormenting waves of inadequacy convince them that there is no way to come up for air. They become desperate. It's as if their soul has been hi-jacked to hell and they are watching it take place without the power to stop it.
A friend once shared a dream she had that seems to fit well here. She dreamed that a train had gotten hi-jacked and the hi-jacker was visible to her in the dream. She was in the front car of a different train screaming that someone needed to stop the hi-jacker. She was yelling desperately "Someone needs to help those people! Some one needs to help them!" Then she heard a deep large voice behind her saying "We Are". The voice came from the conductor of the train she was on. This conductor then proceeded to use the train she was on to crash head on into the hi-jacked train in order to stop it! This girl was the only one in the first car of the train with the engineer and felt like there was no care or concern for her well being. "He didn't warn me or attempt to protect me from harm" she cried. In essence he used her to derail the hi-jacker. Even as she lay in the wreckage reeling from the shock and pain of it all, the one person she loved and wanted to rescue her was nowhere to be seen, yet some unknown man scooped her up in his arms to pull her to safety. After telling me the dream, she commented that she was not sure she even wanted to be rescued.
Death can seem like a pretty good option when there's so much pain. Unfortunately people who experience triggers will at some poimt also witness the train wreck. When their life has fallen into patterns of vulnerability as the dream suggested with the hi-jacking, it's easy for them to start
projecting their future to be destined to be filled with these painful experiences.
If you are the one witnessing a friend or family member going through this torment and you wish to instill hope and help there are steps you can take to help them before they start shutting down to isolate. The triggers they have succumbed to may have been established decades ago and often times they don't even know what sets them off! In the midst of their agony, the best gifts you can give them this season and all year long is listed in three words: Love, Listen and Let.
Unconditional love is probably the most powerful force on earth. When they know they can trust you with their deepest darkest thoughts you will be able to access their heart to help. If they are being assured by you that you won't expose them or take advantage of their weaknesses you have the ability to walk them through anything. To love them without judgement is critical.
Listen to their fears. Don't try to explain to them how illogical their concerns are. Don't try to fix them just let them talk with being interrupted. So often when we are in a conversation we are not really listening, but we are formulating our response while the other person is sharing from their heart and we don't really hear what they are saying. Listening with full attention communicates love to them and confirms how important they are to you.
Let them release the tension with their tears. Believe in them and communicate frequently that you love them no matter what. Tell them how you see them rather than reinforce the dismal view they may have of themselves. Allow them to be vulnerable without feeling ashamed or humiliated. Encourage them. Appreciate them for who they are, flaws included. Don't try to change them or rearrange them, chances are they have been trying to do that to themselves for years. Expressing to them your unconditional love and listening will not only allow them to see light at the end of the tunnel, but will help them crawl out of the wreckage.
Suzi Fox is a percussionist and vocalist with The Bruce Sanborn Band, a freelance writer and the Founder & Developer of Artist From The Attic.org; an organization that offers a venue for musicians, writers, actors, artists and others to post their work for FREE for the world to see!
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