Posted by Bruce Sanborn on March 18, 2012 - 10:30am
You don't wake up as much as come to. The first thing you notice is that feeling in your mouth. Dry. Need water. For the first few moments you think, "Hey, this isn't too bad!" Then it starts really hitting you. Your brain has turned to cottage cheese. Your stomach is bubbling like stovetop oatmeal. You've got to piss but as you open your eyes, you find your eyelids are gunked together with some pasty substance.
You slowly sit up and slide your legs off the couch. The effort has sent stars shooting across your eyeballs. You lay your head in your hands and try to piece yourself together, at least long enough to locate the bathroom. You stumble across the room and find the bathroom door locked, the sound of snoring coming from behind it. You wonder who it could be since you live alone. You open the living room window and piss out of it, hoping the neighbors across the breezeway have their curtains shut. You pull your pants up and feel the throbbing in your frontal lobes, the slow dull pound of your heart trying vainly to pump blood through your skull.
You stagger to the kitchen, kicking beer cans and vodka bottles out of the way. You open the refrigerator to find something to drink that will wash the sand out of your mouth. As you try to focus on the fridge contents, mostly empty condiments, a slice of delivery pizza, a rotted head of lettuce, you realize that you meant to get something for the morning on the last beer run last night but instead chose to spend every cent you had on that last 12-pack.
You go to the sink, pull out the broken glasses and discolored, squeezed lemon wedges and run the tap. You splash water on your face and drink heavily. You then stumble to a chair and try to shade your eyes from the blinding sun rising. Your phone rings and you nearly have a cardiac. You're afraid to answer it, terrified that it might be someone who could add clarity to last night's endeavors, or worse, someone who could not.
Yep, that's a hangover.
One can pretty much predict when they will occur. Always on the morning after an event or holiday. St. Patrick's Day, Super Bowl, 4th of July, New Year's Day, Cinco de Mayo, Memorial Day, birthdays, weddings, etc... What makes a hangover worse is having to function with it. Most of us have partied on a Sunday night only to realize at 6 a.m. the next morning that there's a real important meeting at work that is mandatory and you not only must attend but you've got to give that presentation in front of your peers, y'know, the one you were supposed to work on all weekend but that you managed to convince yourself at 11pm last night during your fifth Jack & Coke that you could wing. Suddenly you don't feel so confident and that creeping sensation of pending unemployment slowly works its way up your spine.
But the truly worst hangovers are those when you regain consciousness and have little to no comprehension or where you are or what happened the night before. Usually this moment coincides with a 280lb girl waddling through the bedroom door carrying a tray of Poptarts, mouthing about how great you are at cunnilingus and reminding you that you promised to help her shave her back before you left.
At this point you remember all the advice given over the years, mostly on how to avoid this situation. Stop drinking an hour before you go to bed. Drink a glass of water with every cocktail you consume. Only have one drink per hour. None of this does the slightest to aid you, adding to the extreme remorse you're feeling, that, "Oh, dear God, I beg you to let me live!" sort of thing.
As someone who has a Ph.D in dealing with hangovers, let me give you some hard-earned advice:
1. Focus on what you are capable of doing. If you can't get your shoes on, go without. If your hands are shaking so badly you can't pour the milk on the cereal, eat it dry. By focusing on the possible, you set yourself up for success (measured of course in one's alcoholic haze of baby steps). You're proving to yourself that, "Hey, I CAN wipe my ass!" or "The body DOES roll up in the rug!" This will help you build the confidence necessary to survive the day.
2. Re-hydrate your body! Drink as much non-alcoholic liquid as you can find. Water is best. Vitamin drinks are also good. And keep drinking it. Every minute on the minute. The sooner you start flushing the dead yeast cells out of your body, the better. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT buy into the myth of the Hair-of-the-Dog. Consuming alcohol at this stage will only delay and indeed, later worsen your condition. No caffiene. It will only make you even more jangly. I know you don't think that's possible, but trust me, it is.
3. Carbs. Pasta, bread, something that will soak up the shit in your system. Eat it as soon as humanly possible. Then start adding fresh fruit and fresh veggies. I know you have a fear of puking your guts up but get over it. If you get the heaves, start over. Without something in your system, the pain will linger.
4. And this is the big one. Exercise. Get some physical activity going. I know that it seems impossible when you can't even get your right arm lifted to flush the john, but it is crucial to your survival. Walk, sit-ups, jogging, get on the bicycle and push yourself as hard as you can. However try to avoid high intensity situations. For instance, don't ride your bike on the freeway. This will only increase your paranoia and since your hand-eye coordination is not at its peak, could lead to the loss of limbs and brain function.
5. The Only Cure. I know most people have some sort of cure for a hangover. Some say tomato juice. Others say go to McDonalds and get a Coke and a 1/4 pounder. Whatever. After years of study, years of trial and error I can tell you there's only one cure: bodysurfing. Get into the ocean, catch some waves, ride them to shore, repeat for at least 1/2 and hour to an hour. You will return to your normal self. Why? It's the combination of the salt water soaking into you, purging the toxins from your system along with the physical exertion, getting your heart and lungs pumping out same toxins. Your brains clears, your eyes sharpen, your hands stop shaking and you stop shitting yourself.
Wagging fingers and saying, "Why, oh Lord, why did I let myself do this to myself?" isn't going to help the situation. Neither is sitting on the couch with the remote, channel surfing till the pain starts to abate. As with all other situations, Fortune favors the bold. Take action and mitigate the hangover. Man-up and fight back. And know that you're not alone.
B
TheBruceSanbornBand.com
You slowly sit up and slide your legs off the couch. The effort has sent stars shooting across your eyeballs. You lay your head in your hands and try to piece yourself together, at least long enough to locate the bathroom. You stumble across the room and find the bathroom door locked, the sound of snoring coming from behind it. You wonder who it could be since you live alone. You open the living room window and piss out of it, hoping the neighbors across the breezeway have their curtains shut. You pull your pants up and feel the throbbing in your frontal lobes, the slow dull pound of your heart trying vainly to pump blood through your skull.
You stagger to the kitchen, kicking beer cans and vodka bottles out of the way. You open the refrigerator to find something to drink that will wash the sand out of your mouth. As you try to focus on the fridge contents, mostly empty condiments, a slice of delivery pizza, a rotted head of lettuce, you realize that you meant to get something for the morning on the last beer run last night but instead chose to spend every cent you had on that last 12-pack.
You go to the sink, pull out the broken glasses and discolored, squeezed lemon wedges and run the tap. You splash water on your face and drink heavily. You then stumble to a chair and try to shade your eyes from the blinding sun rising. Your phone rings and you nearly have a cardiac. You're afraid to answer it, terrified that it might be someone who could add clarity to last night's endeavors, or worse, someone who could not.
Yep, that's a hangover.
One can pretty much predict when they will occur. Always on the morning after an event or holiday. St. Patrick's Day, Super Bowl, 4th of July, New Year's Day, Cinco de Mayo, Memorial Day, birthdays, weddings, etc... What makes a hangover worse is having to function with it. Most of us have partied on a Sunday night only to realize at 6 a.m. the next morning that there's a real important meeting at work that is mandatory and you not only must attend but you've got to give that presentation in front of your peers, y'know, the one you were supposed to work on all weekend but that you managed to convince yourself at 11pm last night during your fifth Jack & Coke that you could wing. Suddenly you don't feel so confident and that creeping sensation of pending unemployment slowly works its way up your spine.
But the truly worst hangovers are those when you regain consciousness and have little to no comprehension or where you are or what happened the night before. Usually this moment coincides with a 280lb girl waddling through the bedroom door carrying a tray of Poptarts, mouthing about how great you are at cunnilingus and reminding you that you promised to help her shave her back before you left.
At this point you remember all the advice given over the years, mostly on how to avoid this situation. Stop drinking an hour before you go to bed. Drink a glass of water with every cocktail you consume. Only have one drink per hour. None of this does the slightest to aid you, adding to the extreme remorse you're feeling, that, "Oh, dear God, I beg you to let me live!" sort of thing.
As someone who has a Ph.D in dealing with hangovers, let me give you some hard-earned advice:
1. Focus on what you are capable of doing. If you can't get your shoes on, go without. If your hands are shaking so badly you can't pour the milk on the cereal, eat it dry. By focusing on the possible, you set yourself up for success (measured of course in one's alcoholic haze of baby steps). You're proving to yourself that, "Hey, I CAN wipe my ass!" or "The body DOES roll up in the rug!" This will help you build the confidence necessary to survive the day.
2. Re-hydrate your body! Drink as much non-alcoholic liquid as you can find. Water is best. Vitamin drinks are also good. And keep drinking it. Every minute on the minute. The sooner you start flushing the dead yeast cells out of your body, the better. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT buy into the myth of the Hair-of-the-Dog. Consuming alcohol at this stage will only delay and indeed, later worsen your condition. No caffiene. It will only make you even more jangly. I know you don't think that's possible, but trust me, it is.
3. Carbs. Pasta, bread, something that will soak up the shit in your system. Eat it as soon as humanly possible. Then start adding fresh fruit and fresh veggies. I know you have a fear of puking your guts up but get over it. If you get the heaves, start over. Without something in your system, the pain will linger.
4. And this is the big one. Exercise. Get some physical activity going. I know that it seems impossible when you can't even get your right arm lifted to flush the john, but it is crucial to your survival. Walk, sit-ups, jogging, get on the bicycle and push yourself as hard as you can. However try to avoid high intensity situations. For instance, don't ride your bike on the freeway. This will only increase your paranoia and since your hand-eye coordination is not at its peak, could lead to the loss of limbs and brain function.
5. The Only Cure. I know most people have some sort of cure for a hangover. Some say tomato juice. Others say go to McDonalds and get a Coke and a 1/4 pounder. Whatever. After years of study, years of trial and error I can tell you there's only one cure: bodysurfing. Get into the ocean, catch some waves, ride them to shore, repeat for at least 1/2 and hour to an hour. You will return to your normal self. Why? It's the combination of the salt water soaking into you, purging the toxins from your system along with the physical exertion, getting your heart and lungs pumping out same toxins. Your brains clears, your eyes sharpen, your hands stop shaking and you stop shitting yourself.
Wagging fingers and saying, "Why, oh Lord, why did I let myself do this to myself?" isn't going to help the situation. Neither is sitting on the couch with the remote, channel surfing till the pain starts to abate. As with all other situations, Fortune favors the bold. Take action and mitigate the hangover. Man-up and fight back. And know that you're not alone.
B
TheBruceSanbornBand.com
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