Posted by Suzi Fox on February 17, 2012 - 10:05am
When tempers flare, fighting fair is not usually foremost on one's mind. At some point every relationship will hit a bump, skid or even a head-on collision. In order to come out of the wreckage with minimal damage here are some tips to consider and assure everyone gets out alive.
One thing to consider is that guys tend to be very competitive and want to be right. They need to win. It's just part of who they are. Girls on the other hand are better at functioning with the end result in mind. The desired result should be to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with one another, but when that gets hazy here are some helpful hints.
Listen – We have two ears and one mouth, that in itself should be a good indicator that we need to use our listening skills more often. When people have a disagreement, flare-up or full on blowout, a lot of the tension can be diffused if we fully understand why the other person is upset. Is there an unmet need? They may be swirling in an emotional hurricane but the truth about what they are angry over is not being verbalized clearly. When you show them you love them enough to listen, that will help calm them down to be able to think and articulate clearly.
Monitor Your Mouth – Stop interrupting. How many times have you had someone in front of you pouring out their soul and you can only think about how you want to respond the moment they take a breath? Select words that are non-combative. Phrases that start with “You always”, “You never”, or “I hate it when you”...will only fuel the fires of fury. Consider implementing words like “I'm trying to understand” or “Help me see this the way you see it”. If your partner knows you are on his or her side they can more easily settle into a mode of working through the debris rather than feel like booting you out the door.
Repeat After Me – Once you have determined what they are saying, clarify with repeating back to them what they just said. If there is any discrepancy between what they said and what they meant to say this will help eliminate the confusion. Sometimes people become disoriented in the midst of emotional upheaval, so if we are able to clear the clutter and commotion, they will no longer feel confounded. Feeling like there is someone on your side even if you are in conflict with that person instills hope that you will get through the tension and emotional onslaught.
Triage – The method of sorting casualties in order to determine priority actions that need to be taken. For example if you have injured the ego, heart or emotions of the one you love asking for forgiveness is critical to cleansing the wounds. Without the salve of forgiveness applied generously through out a relationship the infectious disease of distress and resentfulness will start oozing. It may be hidden at first but it will eventually be in plain sight and usually at a most inopportune moment. Stand back, assess the situation and take the higher road.
Sometimes it just doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. Allow the other person to experience welcoming arms, words of encouragement and the security of knowing that together you can weather any storm.
One thing to consider is that guys tend to be very competitive and want to be right. They need to win. It's just part of who they are. Girls on the other hand are better at functioning with the end result in mind. The desired result should be to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with one another, but when that gets hazy here are some helpful hints.
Listen – We have two ears and one mouth, that in itself should be a good indicator that we need to use our listening skills more often. When people have a disagreement, flare-up or full on blowout, a lot of the tension can be diffused if we fully understand why the other person is upset. Is there an unmet need? They may be swirling in an emotional hurricane but the truth about what they are angry over is not being verbalized clearly. When you show them you love them enough to listen, that will help calm them down to be able to think and articulate clearly.
Monitor Your Mouth – Stop interrupting. How many times have you had someone in front of you pouring out their soul and you can only think about how you want to respond the moment they take a breath? Select words that are non-combative. Phrases that start with “You always”, “You never”, or “I hate it when you”...will only fuel the fires of fury. Consider implementing words like “I'm trying to understand” or “Help me see this the way you see it”. If your partner knows you are on his or her side they can more easily settle into a mode of working through the debris rather than feel like booting you out the door.
Repeat After Me – Once you have determined what they are saying, clarify with repeating back to them what they just said. If there is any discrepancy between what they said and what they meant to say this will help eliminate the confusion. Sometimes people become disoriented in the midst of emotional upheaval, so if we are able to clear the clutter and commotion, they will no longer feel confounded. Feeling like there is someone on your side even if you are in conflict with that person instills hope that you will get through the tension and emotional onslaught.
Triage – The method of sorting casualties in order to determine priority actions that need to be taken. For example if you have injured the ego, heart or emotions of the one you love asking for forgiveness is critical to cleansing the wounds. Without the salve of forgiveness applied generously through out a relationship the infectious disease of distress and resentfulness will start oozing. It may be hidden at first but it will eventually be in plain sight and usually at a most inopportune moment. Stand back, assess the situation and take the higher road.
Sometimes it just doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. Allow the other person to experience welcoming arms, words of encouragement and the security of knowing that together you can weather any storm.
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